News

Well, I think that I can finally blog about this without crying..maybe that's because I am slightly medicated..feels good actually.

So here goes....

We had our first hearing about Little Bucket's birth father- to terminate his rights. We were hoping and praying that he wouldn't show up because that meant that his parental rights could just be terminated and no big deal. We could finalize the adoption in January, and be at the temple shortly after that. Well......things didn't happen that way.

He showed up. He actually came, and so now there's an evidence hearing in March to determine what is going to happen. He still hasn't proven with a paternity test that he is the "sperm donor", he told the judge that he didn't have the money to get it done. He also told the judge (what a stupid head) and he doesn't want to raise Daisey himself- he wants his son to. The judge pointed out that it wasn't a hearing about if his son was a capable father, but if HE was a capable father. He pretty much dug himself a hole. He asked the judge for a court appointed attorney..our attorney said it wasn't applicable because it isn't a matter of the state- it's a private matter. Custody is currently split between us and the adoption agency, not the state. So he's going to go up against my 15 year vet. adoption attorney- who has never lost a case without a lawyer, no money to hire a good lawyer, no money to get a paternity test done, and a laundry list for a criminal record that only include the last 5 years. It all sounds good when you get all lined up. But...

The thing that Student Doc and myself have a hard time with is that random 1% chance that he has to screw up my eternal family. I can't tell you how many times I have seen a cute kid doing something and just started bawling. Just the other night we were at a nephews pre-school Christmas program and I started crying of course. All I have to do is think that there's that small chance that we won't get to experience those things with Little Bucket. That somehow my life will fall apart and she will get taken away. I don't think I could live through that. It doesn't feel like I could. It doesn't help that I feel like crying most days, or that arguments happen over the dumbest things, and when we get discussing it- the underlying reason is always that 1% chance of what if. It's stressful, scary, and filled with anxiety. We had high hopes of being able to take her to the temple in January, and now it's not looking like that could happen until late March or April.

I guess just like with everything else in our life...we will have to wait. I just hope the wait isn't too long. I need her to be with us forever. I need her to always be ours, and to know what it's like to not feel the need to be over protective- then again that might just be a mother thing. I also would like to know if I am going to have to testify that this hearing...but that's a whole different post...

Not quite crying..but close.